The Trump Impeachment Trial Could Look A Lot Like The Kavanaugh Hearings

The Trump Impeachment Trial Could Look A Lot Like The Kavanaugh Hearings


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S THE FIRST DAY OF NOVEMBER, AND HERE IN NEW YORK, THERE IS A
CHILL IN THE AIR. BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP IS COMING
TO TOWN. THE PRESIDENT WILL REPORTEDLY BE
HERE TOMORROW TO ATTEND A U.F.C. FIGHT. TRUMP’S A BIG FAN OF ULTIMATE
FIGHTING. HE LOVES BEING IN A ROOM WHERE
SOMEONE’S FACE IS MORE SWOLLEN THAN HIS.( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, AFTER THE MATCH, “THE PRESIDENT IS EXPECTED TO
STAY AT TRUMP TOWER, WHICH, COMBINED WITH THIS WEEKEND’S
NEW YORK CITY MARATHON, COULD CAUSE MAJOR TRAFFIC CONGESTION
IN MANHATTAN.”>>Audience: BOO!>>Stephen: YEAH, IT COULD BE
A REAL PROBLEM, IT COULD BE A REAL PROBLEM. SO IF YOU HAVE PLANS TO BE IN
NEW YORK CITY AND WANT TO BEAT THE TRAFFIC, YOU SHOULD LEAVE
NO LATER THAN THREE DAYS AGO. OF COURSE, THE REAL ULTIMATE
FIGHT GOING ON IS OVER TRUMP’S IMPEACHMENT. YESTERDAY, ON HALLOWEEN, THE
HOUSE VOTED TO FORMALIZE THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY. AFTER ALL–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, YEAH.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAKES SENSE. IT JUST MAKES SENSE.>>Jon: YES.>>Stephen: IT JUST MAKES
SENSE. IT IS NOVEMBER, AND IT’S TIME TO
TOSS OUT THAT ROTTING JACK-O’-LANTERN. IF THE HOUSE VOTES TO IMPEACH
TRUMP, IT’LL HEAD TO THE SENATE, WHERE THE PRESIDENT’S FATE WILL
BE IN THE HANDS OF SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND MAN WITH
BUILT-IN TRAVEL PILLOW, MITCH McCONNELL. McCONNELL– HE LOOKS
COMFORTABLE. McCONNELL HAS BEEN PREPPING
TRUMP FOR AN IMPEACHMENT TRIAL AND LAST WEEK, GAVE HIM SOME
ADVICE: “STOP ATTACKING SENATORS– INCLUDING MITT
ROMNEY– WHO LIKELY WILL SOON JUDGE YOUR FATE.” YES! YOU BETTER BE NICE TO
REPUBLICANS, OR ELSE THEY’RE GONNA RISE UP WITH ONE VOICE AND
SAY, “YOU GOT IT, BOSS! DON’T FORGET TO SAY MY WIFE’S
UGLY AND MY DAD KILLED J.F.K.!”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU WANT A PIGGYBACK RIDE?( LAUGHTER )
SENATE REPUBLICANS SWEAR THEY WANT TO CONDUCT A REAL
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL. TEXAS SENATOR JOHN CORNYN SAID,
“I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT THE SENATE PROCESS BE VIEWED AS FAIR
AND SERIOUS,” AND SENATOR DAVID PERDUE TOLD CNN, “WHAT I WANT TO
HEAR IS BOTH SIDES OF THE ARGUMENT.” YES, BOTH SIDES: “THE PRESIDENT
ABUSED HIS OFFICE TO SEEK ELECTION HELP FROM A FOREIGN
GOVERNMENT,” VERSUS, “WE DON’T CARE.” SO THE SENATE COULD HOLD
HEARINGS FULL OF SHOCKING TESTIMONY, THEN JUST IGNORE IT
AND VOTE HOW THEY INTENDED TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT’LL BE JUST LIKE KAVANAUGH,
EXCEPT TRUMP DOESN’T DRINK.( AS TRUMP )
“I LIKED CHOCOLATE CAKE! I STILL LIKE CHOCOLATE CAKE! BUT I DID NOT EAT CHOCOLATE CAKE
TO THE POINT OF BLACKING OUT( LAUGHTER )
ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THAT CHOCOLATE CAKE? BE’CAUSE I’M GONNA BOOF IT!”
BECAUSE I’M GONNA BOOF IT!” IT HITS YOU FASTER WHEN YOU
ABOVE IT. IT’S EASIER WITH AN ECLAIR.” YOU’RE WELCOME. YOU’RE WELCOME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. WRITE THAT DOWN. WRITE DOWN WHEN I SAID THAT,
OKAY? OF COURSE, TRUMP’S NOT THE ONLY
FOCUS OF THIS IMPEACHMENT. THE OTHER LEADING MAN IS HIS
PERSONAL LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI, WHO’S ON THE COVER OF “TIME”
MAGAZINE. TOO BAD THIS CAME OUT AFTER
HALLOWEEN, BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT SCARY MASK.( GROWLS )
( APPLAUSE )
JOE BIDEN BAD!( LAUGHTER )
NOW– GETS SURPRISINGLY STEAMY IN THERE. NOW, THE ARTICLE RECOUNTS
GIULIANI’S RECENT BIZARRE BEHAVIOR, INCLUDING THE TIME HE
BUTT-DIALED AN NBC REPORTER WHO HEARD HIM TELL AN ASSOCIATE,
“THE PROBLEM IS WE NEED SOME MONEY,” ADDING, “WE NEED A FEW
HUNDRED THOUSAND.” THE REPORTER WAS ABLE TO HEAR IT
SO CLEARLY BECAUSE, AS USUAL, RUDY WAS TALKING OUT OF HIS ASS.( LAUGHTER )
NOW–( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RUDY’S BUTT DIAL IS EVEN DUMBER WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT BACK IN
2017, TRUMP NAMED GIULIANI AS A CYBERSECURITY ADVISOR.( AS TRUMP )
“ALL RIGHT, WHO DO I KNOW THAT’S YOUNG, SHARP, AND A WHIZ WITH
COMPUTERS? I KNOW! MY DRUNK 73-YEAR-OLD LAWYER!”
NOW, HERE’S ANOTHER THING. WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT LESS THAN
A MONTH AFTER RUDY GOT THAT JOB, HE NEEDED AN APPLE GENIUS TO
HELP UNLOCK HIS PHONE.( AS RUDY )
“I KEEP TRYING TO BUTT-DIAL, BUT IT DOESN’T RECOGNIZE MY ASS
PRINT! I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I DON’T…”( APPLAUSE )
NONE OF THIS SHOULD COME AS A SURPRISE. RUDY CAN’T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW
TO WEAR AIRPODS.( LAUGHTER )
( AS RUDY )
“WOW, THESE ARE EXPENSIVE
Q-TIPS!”( LAUGHTER )
LIVING LA VIDA RUDY DOES NOT COME CHEAP. ACCORDING TO “TIME,” THE FORMER
MAYOR ENJOYS A $230,000-A-MONTH LIFESTYLE. WOW. THAT IS A GENEROUS USE OF THE
WORD “LIFE.” AND “STYLE.” BUT $230,000 A MONTH? WHY DOES HE GO TO A DENTIST WHO
OPERATES UNDER THE CROSS-BRONX EXPRESSWAY? ACCORDING TO “TIME,” GIULIANI’S
REAL PROBLEM IS THAT HE’S MIXING HIS WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT WITH
SOME QUESTIONABLE FOREIGN BUSINESS DEALS. BUT GIULIANI INSISTS HE’S DONE
NOTHING WRONG, SAYING, “OF COURSE I DON’T MIX THOSE TWO
THINGS.”( AS GIULIANI )
“UNLESS YOU MEAN WINE AND SLEEPING PILLS, BECAUSE I
DEFINITELY MIX THOSE, RIGHT BEFORE I GO ON ‘HANNITY.'”
NOW, DESPITE HIS TROUBLES, GIULIANI IS CONFIDENT TRUMP
WON’T TURN ON HIM, EXPLAINING, “HE’S 100% IN MY CORNER AND
LOYAL TO ME, AS I AM TO HIM.” YES, HE’S JUST AS LOYAL TO YOU
AS HE IS TO HIS WIFE IVANA, HIS WIFE MARLA, HIS WIFE MELANIA,
HIS BUDDIES PAUL MANAFORT, MICHAEL COHEN, REINCE PRIEBUS,
REX TILLERSON, JOHN KELLY, JOHN BOLTON, JIM MATTIS, THE KURDS,
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEATLOAF, CHRIS CHRISTIE,
CHRIS CHRISTIE AGAIN, CHRIS CHRISTIE AGAIN…( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S ONLY AN HOUR SHOW.

100 comments

  1. Why is our Country not about Country?? Party over country….not even a big political guy but man where is the common sense and moral standard of our country. Very saddening.

  2. He got booed at the UFC fight too! Funny how someone can be such an asshole that the vast majority of people hate him and he still goes out in public. I'd ask how he sleeps at night, but I know he just hangs upside down in his closet.

  3. I honestly can’t stand hearing the piano man’s “Sesame Street Count’s laugh”, and or all the other shit noise he makes when Stephen is talking.

  4. On ALL talk shows the audiences go wild with enthusiasm every time Chump and Julie Annie get roasted. And yet the GOP just hunkers down. You have to wonder why ANYONE would want to be known as a major dick. Is this something in the GOP voter's DNA? No wonder they're always angry.

  5. WHAT better time to formalize the
    "Witch Hunt" than on All Hallows Eve!?!?!
    By tradition after the brief show trial the Witch has to be put to death with no blood spilled, and so ought to be crushed under ton loads of rock, as is tradition… and works for ME!

  6. rotting jackolantern, h hsh ha ha ah The repubs kiss his ass cuz Putin is paying them to! It's all about money. Give Brett a breathalizer test before going into the office or sitting on the bench.

  7. You are so ignorant and your show is so childish trying to make laughs about other people Take a look inthe mirror hypocrit 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀

  8. Please my fellow Americans read this article. It only takes a couple of minutes and explains everything about Trump. "Beyond Reason: Mental Retardation: An Overview." It's why his Father could never figure him out. He was never tested for something like this. It's sick that there isn't a test for anyone running for the presidency to find out what could be mentally wrong with them! And his family and Putin know it. He couldn't take a I.Q. test in any form because he can't read one. I could go on and on and on but please take the time. You'll be glad that you did and please pass it on and if anyone knows someone on Mr. Colbert's staff I'd appreciate it if you'd get it to them. Thank you. Songs

  9. It is hard to listen to trump always saying he will release his tax returns , many years ago …ok 3 years , and he is still bucking them from being shown. Have to wonder how many payoffs trump has made .

  10. When he was mayor of NY and before that when he was a prosecutor they said the most dangerous place in the world is between Rudy and a camera

  11. Mr. Colbert, have you or your staff seen the elevator question session with Alaska's Sen (R) Don Young where he head-butts the camera rather than answer a question about getting help from foreign governments as shown on MSNBC? I have seen no late shows discuss that yet.

  12. Is the bozo coldbdeer the (puppet master) ( look closely you see the strings moving his LIPS!!)
    still have people NAIVE ENOUGH to tune in. Its like watching the hilarious movie called (Idiocracy). This show us ghe biggest joke ever to ALL the middle American Patriots who pray for the people in california and New York who have been mislead by all the Global ra fake news agenda to try and stop The Donald Trump from cleaning out the Swamp being held ransom by mainly demacrats,

  13. Dear Colbert and Writers, thank you for another evening of great writing and release for those of us with a conscience who need our minds bathed after hearing the latest antics of our top Russian ass-et and his cult of minions.

  14. 🤥🔥💬🖥💥🤛🤣👌😒🍿😉👌Welcome to the truths of tRuMped CONNsequences.💬

    🖥💥🤒🌏🔊Yep💬☺️🍿☻nah💬

  15. You're so funny 😃😀funny than alice the best show I've ever seen it😀😃😄 man you made for Mr trump.

  16. I enjoy a good laugh. But I am sad at the same time. We all must do the honorable thing and educate ourselves on who is truthful. We can watch as the corruption is exposed.

  17. He was on fire tonight. The comments about Rudy made me laugh til my sides were sore. The Time cover comments were hilarious, especially with the music, not to mention the butt dialing.

  18. 🇬🇪 voters we already know david perdue is going to vote No when it comes to trumppence, which is why Georgia voters needs to unify against perdue & Vote him OUT Overwhelmingly, bc he's not for the ppl of Georgia he's all about the trumpgop party & their rich corporate donors. Georgia make OUR state Blue🌊🌊!

  19. Listen to me Stephen Colbert’s audience, the only way that anyone of those republicans would’ve let something like that go is if they are being mind controlled. The guy called his wife the ugliest person on earth and then said his dad was a killer and then he just stood there and didn’t do anything about it. Any human being that is still in control of their own actions would’ve either fought or never fucked with trump again

  20. Hey Colbert can’t say your not a dreamer all the shit you have said for three years and none it came true. You and Rachel madcow should get together and have a show dumb and dumber part four!!!!!!

  21. Hey Trump. I know the lobster will taste em a magnificent in your cell. With your 72 inch flat screen. Hell well even pitch in for strippers. Just so we know your where you belong

  22. Trump should employ Filibuster and Violence in Congress tactics to fight the passage of the impreachment against him, and then follows by organizing massive Republican Protests for defending Donald Trump, further escalating the protests into crisis until the Democratic Party finally backs down.

  23. I forgot the senate deals with impeachment. If the republicans were smart, they’d let the impeachment go to trial so Moscow Mitch McTurtle can throw it out like the corrupt jackass that he is.

  24. "Yesterday … the House voted to formalize the impeachment inquiry."
    So, up until now, they've just been doing it as a hobby?

  25. So Rudy thinks Trump is loyal to him, eh? I see paying attention is not on the list of things to pay for on that $230k a month lifestyle.

  26. Love your whole take on current events. I believe you've nailed the whole Trumpetmeister. He's an epic experiment gone horribly wrong…In a lab somewhere in Transylvania

  27. Trump has never had to face the consequences of his actions, he's lied and bribed his way through life, this impeachment will not end well.

  28. I hope the hearing will be better than the Kavavaugh hearing. I know Christine Blasey Ford. She is an alcoholic nut case who craves attention and makes up stories to get sympathy.

  29. Oh, how the things have changed.. just looked an old colbert report (2014) and who do I see singing hymns hand to hand if not the same faces you've still got there holding to their seats with tooth and claw. Politicians are more worried of job continuity than doing the job, which is okay if your life depends on the job, not when millions of peoples life depends on yours and you are rich as a congress member. Doesn't really matter if you get rid of Trump, but leave the rest of the shit lying around for it is a tradition to keep people in the congress as long as they can pass as humanoids. All these "background" people have more power than the scapegoat/circus entertainment you call president. around 6:00 mins for the group hymn.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvPH5BJpLS4&list=RDQMev_4S_P1Ej0&index=4&frags=wn

  30. I mean it is ridiculous, how you wish you'd be rid of Trump so things would go back to "normal". Oh, they will do such shit and you're all just smiling as long as it's not Trump doing the shit. I think they used him as a bar to see just how far they can go, found out that all the way, just as long as you can feel good/irritated and join the politics with comments like this, get a new phone every once and a while. Have strong opinions (called emotional thinking) and be happy with that as your democratic input. News flash! Your "normal was never very good, except for the BigMoney (Pharma,Military, Banks too big to fall, even if a million of you have to instead, e.t.c). In Trump you see your country reflected into one personification of all wrong there. Rest of the world has seen Trump in you a long time ago and most of you don't even know what I am talking about. Think it was only Vietnam? Dunno, google USA and south america or read a book by Chomsky for starters, if the state of your country isn't proof enough that USA doesn't stand for the well being of humanity. Do you do something? Meh… At least slaves before knew they were slaves, while you sacrifice all "for the well of economy and free market", something you'd naively think was for the people. But don't ask what the corporations and banks should do for you, but rather what can you get on debt to fill the void incarceration of the mind creates. Not hating on you, but on your world-police states of divided dementia.

  31. The Democrats are controlled by racist AOC and the ISIS-loving Squad who want to destroy America from within. The Democrats seem to forget that all people who voted Trump are the hard working people, who pay for everything in America, including the Democrats’ communist hobbies…

  32. As ever, Cornyn cares that it should "be viewed as fair and serious" not that it must be both or either of those things.

  33. Steve forgot Jeff Sessions and all the people who used to get chump his coffee (but held high offices in the White House and Eric).

  34. Look at all the people in jail. For fuck's sake, Americans. Storm the castle, already. This was fun while it lasted, but the man is a psychopath. The only way out he sees for this is to bring everybody else with him. Don't let him.

  35. MOST WANTED!!!
    WARNINGS and ALERTS!!!
    THE BIGGEST FRAUD/ SCAM IN THE WORLD!!!
    PEOPLE BE CAREFUL THESE CRIMINALS HAVE OTHER SIMILAR WEBSITES ON THE
    INTERNET!!!
    THIS ISRAELI/ UK/ AMERICAN CRIMINAL NETWORK and SYNDICATE WISE BANC
    HAS CHANGED THEIR NAME TO PCMTRADES/ POSEIDON TRADINGS!!!???
    BLACKLISTED BY THE MOST AUTHORITATIVE FINANCIAL REGULATOR IN THE
    WORLD FCA.
    OPERATING ILLEGALLY IN PUBLIC ON THE FINANCIAL MARKET WITHOUT LICENSE
    FOR FINANCIAL PRODUCTS ON A SIMULATED PLATFORM!!!???
    THIS IS A CRIMINAL NETWORK and SYNDICATE!!! PCMTRADES/ POSEIDON TRADINGS
    IS A SCAM/ FRAUD/ MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEME!!!
    ORGANIZED ISRAELI/ UK/ AMERICAN CRIME SYNDICATE and NETWORK!!!
    WEBSITE: pcmtrades.com e-mail: [email protected]
    THIS ADDRESS and PHONE NUMBER ON THEIR WEBSITE LOOKS CREDIBLE.
    ADDRESS: 229 SHOREDITCH HIGH STREET E1 6PJ. PHONENR: +447426066948
    BUT THAT IS JUST A FAKE THEY ARE NOT OPERATING FROM THERE. THIS IS JUST
    ONE OF THE WAYS HOW THEY USUALLY DO TO MISLEAD, TRICKING, LURKING and
    FOOLING PEOPLE and AUTHORITIES TO BELIVE THAT THIS IS A SERIOUS TRADING
    COMPANY TO INVEST FUNDS FOR TRADING!!!
    THESE ARE A CRIMINALS!!! THIS IS A CRIMINAL NETWORK and SYNDICATE!!!
    THROUGH THIS CRIMINAL NETWORK and SYNDICATE JP MORGAN CHASE BANK N.A.
    THE BANK IS INVOLVED IN A MON EY LAUNDERING AND CRIME. BECAUSE THESE
    CRIMINALS HAVE BANK ACCOUNTS AT JP MORGAN CHASE BANK N.A: 1134 AVENUE
    M, BROOKLYN, NY 11230 – 5206, USA. NEW YORK 4 NEW YORK PLAZA FLOOR 15,
    10004, USA.
    WHY YOU THINK THESE CRIMINALS CHANGE THEIR NAME OF THE WEBSITE EVERY
    YEAR!!!???
    SAME PLATFORM AS BEFORE BUT DIFFERENT NAMES EVERY YEAR TO ESCAPE and
    HIDE FROM THE POLICE and AUTHORITIES!!!
    IS THESE NAMES FAMILIAR TO YOU: OPTIONS XO aka WM OPTIONS aka PRIME CFD’s
    aka WISE BANC aka OMEGA FX aka PCMTRADES/ POSEIDON TRADINGS!!!??? ”OSCAR
    WHITE, ROBB DANIELS, ETHAN STARK, MARK SPENCER, ROGER BANKS, LIAM BROWN,
    ANDREW NOVAK, ARTHUR SCAM, JAY SMITH, MICHAEL BAXTER, JONATHAN FRAUD, JOSEPH
    PARKER, ADAM LOUIS, WARREN ROBERTS, SIMON GREEN, ALLEN KAIS, DANIEL COX, CHRIS
    WALLACE,
    JAMES ALEXSANDER”?
    LOOKS LIKE THAT CIA, FBI, NSA, MI6, INTERPOL, EUROPOL and BANKS DENY TO DO
    ANYTHING AND TURN A BLIND EYE TO THIS??? IS THIS WORLD SO CORRUPT!!!???
    NO ONE SEEMS TO BE ABLE TO STOP THIS CRIMINAL NETWORK and SYNDICATE
    WITH THEIR CRIMINAL ACTIVITY TO SCAM/ FRAUD and MONEY LAUNDERING!!!
    THESE CRIMINALS ONLY CHANGE THEIR NAME and CONTINUE YEAR AFTER YEAR
    WITH THEIR DIRTY BUSINESS TO SCAM/ FRAUD PEOPLE and MONEY LAUNDERING
    FRONT OF THE NOSES OF OUR BANKS, POLICE and AUTHORITIES!!!???WAKE UP!!!
    https://youtu.be/eQMEb15EVNI, https://youtu.be/_sXwhFYpgx0

  36. The worst part is that no lawyer, defense or prosecutor, nor any judge in the country would ever allow a US Republican Senator to sit on a jury.

  37. Um, yeah. I like how the audience got all quiet when he insulted $200,000.00 something a month saying that wasn't life and that wasn't style. Fuck you prick. I live on waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy less than that and struggle. I'd love to live on that much a month and I could very comfortably because I am not a prick needing fancy and too expensive clothing or all sorts of other shit that don't mean anything. Hey, Colbert, do you actually know the value of anything? Try being poor sometime and pay your bills and pay vet bills to try to keep your beloved pets healthy and safe only to have emergency vets tell you they won't doctor your pet who is having a heart attack because you have no money at all at that point and can't pay the bill and they won't do payments so you stand there helpless while your pet that you love like your kid dies because you are poor. Fuck you asswipe.

  38. Now it goes public Schiff is going to fail miserably, even worse than the Mueller conspiracy theorists. Obama and Biden should really fear the cross-examinations.
    Dear Desperate Democrats, look for another 25 candidates soon and hope there is one credible person among them, because these nonsense investigations are not working.

  39. however…. joe biden is bad, he gropes little girls and is completely corrupt and sounding more and more like trump, may they both burn in hell, maybe they can grope each other there…

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